I have a post in the works that updates you all about our adventures and goings on of the past month, but I'm going to interrupt it for now in order to do something I haven't done in quite some time: write. As in write what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, no filters, just from my mind to my words to your eyes.
I haven't written in quite some time because, unlike many great artists and writers, I'm not really able to write when I'm happy. When I'm not overcome with some sort of (usually negative) emotion, of fear, of anger, of sadness. But having not written in so long is like locking a door, or closing floodgates. I forget that that's an option, an outlet. And then one day I'll feel overwhelmed and I won't know what to do with it and words will be swimming in my head, but being unused and unpracticed, they don't form the proper sentences. They don't convey, they only add to the confusion. So then when I finally have enough, and--almost always at the most inappropriate time--I have a pen and a scrap of paper, I write. And it starts off shaky (as you can witness yourself), but it starts to flow more easily, more readily. And I feel myself slipping into that zone, that place that isn't quite creative, but at least is productive. It doesn't come up with anything new, it only uses the words, the phrases, the trite forms of writing that we have seen and grown to love, nothing extraordinary in form like C.S. Lewis, nothing incredibly unique like a new language of Tolkein. Just your typical, your average, reused, respoken, but isn't that all that's needed to be able to convey something I want you to relate to? Something I need you to understand. So now, I want you to understand:
Every relatable television character in their early 20's is lost, confused, hopeless, and scared. But nothing prepares you or even properly conveys just how scared and aimless you'll truly feel when you get there. And you want to believe that all your education, your extra-curriculars, your attempts at molding yourself into a "good" person amounts to more than what you've become. But not having it figured out means not knowing where I'll be in the future, not the future as in 5 or 10 years, but in just one year. And even most of the one year is hazy, because maybe I know what I'll most likely end up doing, but I'll most likely want something different--something more. And I know that someday I'll look back on my 20's like I can now look back on my teen years. Because when you're living as a teenager, you know that someday...EVENTUALLY...the acne will begin to fade, and the easy embarrassment and the puberty, and all that shitty stuff that comes with those years will be something you can look back on. Not with fondness though. Personally, I would never choose to relive my high school years. So I guess that's what's different about your 20s. Because you know the someday...EVENTUALLY...you'll be able to look back on your 20s and remember how lost and confused and scared you were, but you can look at it with fondness. You can remember the serendipity, the freedom that comes with having no one to depend on you. Nothing to tie you down. But right now, living it, is different. Because I'm NOT looking back and laughing about how naive I was. Instead, I'm here, scared and hopeless, frustrated and aimless. And anyway I'm trying to continue looking at the big picture, or thinking about how it's the journey and not the destination, but the problem is that I don't yet have a destination. All I'm sure of is that I want to help people. But ask me what I'm doing in March, when these part-time jobs are over, but we still have a while on our lease for our apartment, so we'll most likely be looking for another job, but for how long, and what are you doing after teaching English, and are you preparing for anything else? (Are the questions that I'm asking myself and that other people would ask me given the chance I'm sure)
Anyway, rant over. A tried and true rant, like angsty adolescence or mid-life crises; let this be anti-climactic and aimless 20s, or maybe to go with Terrible Twos, there are Turbulent Twenties. I don't know, this is why I'm not a slogan writer or a catchphrase developer, if those are things.
I haven't written in quite some time because, unlike many great artists and writers, I'm not really able to write when I'm happy. When I'm not overcome with some sort of (usually negative) emotion, of fear, of anger, of sadness. But having not written in so long is like locking a door, or closing floodgates. I forget that that's an option, an outlet. And then one day I'll feel overwhelmed and I won't know what to do with it and words will be swimming in my head, but being unused and unpracticed, they don't form the proper sentences. They don't convey, they only add to the confusion. So then when I finally have enough, and--almost always at the most inappropriate time--I have a pen and a scrap of paper, I write. And it starts off shaky (as you can witness yourself), but it starts to flow more easily, more readily. And I feel myself slipping into that zone, that place that isn't quite creative, but at least is productive. It doesn't come up with anything new, it only uses the words, the phrases, the trite forms of writing that we have seen and grown to love, nothing extraordinary in form like C.S. Lewis, nothing incredibly unique like a new language of Tolkein. Just your typical, your average, reused, respoken, but isn't that all that's needed to be able to convey something I want you to relate to? Something I need you to understand. So now, I want you to understand:
Every relatable television character in their early 20's is lost, confused, hopeless, and scared. But nothing prepares you or even properly conveys just how scared and aimless you'll truly feel when you get there. And you want to believe that all your education, your extra-curriculars, your attempts at molding yourself into a "good" person amounts to more than what you've become. But not having it figured out means not knowing where I'll be in the future, not the future as in 5 or 10 years, but in just one year. And even most of the one year is hazy, because maybe I know what I'll most likely end up doing, but I'll most likely want something different--something more. And I know that someday I'll look back on my 20's like I can now look back on my teen years. Because when you're living as a teenager, you know that someday...EVENTUALLY...the acne will begin to fade, and the easy embarrassment and the puberty, and all that shitty stuff that comes with those years will be something you can look back on. Not with fondness though. Personally, I would never choose to relive my high school years. So I guess that's what's different about your 20s. Because you know the someday...EVENTUALLY...you'll be able to look back on your 20s and remember how lost and confused and scared you were, but you can look at it with fondness. You can remember the serendipity, the freedom that comes with having no one to depend on you. Nothing to tie you down. But right now, living it, is different. Because I'm NOT looking back and laughing about how naive I was. Instead, I'm here, scared and hopeless, frustrated and aimless. And anyway I'm trying to continue looking at the big picture, or thinking about how it's the journey and not the destination, but the problem is that I don't yet have a destination. All I'm sure of is that I want to help people. But ask me what I'm doing in March, when these part-time jobs are over, but we still have a while on our lease for our apartment, so we'll most likely be looking for another job, but for how long, and what are you doing after teaching English, and are you preparing for anything else? (Are the questions that I'm asking myself and that other people would ask me given the chance I'm sure)
Anyway, rant over. A tried and true rant, like angsty adolescence or mid-life crises; let this be anti-climactic and aimless 20s, or maybe to go with Terrible Twos, there are Turbulent Twenties. I don't know, this is why I'm not a slogan writer or a catchphrase developer, if those are things.
Well, you've thought more about it than most 20 year olds.But since your generation will live so much longer, you will have more time to have fun!
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ReplyDeleteYay I missed blogs! Also I'm pretty sure you should be a catchphrase developer. Also yes to all of this. But one day you will look back and be proud of what you did and how you got through it and it will be good!
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